Friday, April 25, 2014

Sunshine and drizzles

You know that moment when a butterfly rests on your arm and you are reluctant to move lest it flies away? Happiness is like that beautiful yellow butterfly, rare and totally unpredictable. If you have been through your share of heartbreak, travails and survived times when giving up seemed like an obvious step; you value the happy times that come your way even if momentarily. 

 An eventful extended weekend got over, another one is knocking at the doors and this week has been super long and stressful, i can barely move due to exhaustion; but there is a tired smile. A flicker of a smile which has become some sort of a rarity of late. No i am not unhappy but I have not been happy either. This, until I gave life a serious thought and changed the game before it changed me. A step away from a dream and a step towards a new life may not be the same thing, is what i realized. While its been 7 months or more to stepping away from a dream, a couple of months from being disillusioned and lied to, I realized how silly I was. Often it takes us time to put into action what the mind has decided. So for a change I allowed myself to have a life that a regular 26 year old has. I hosted a formal party, I went out on a date and for a change I let myself enjoy and forget the troubles that ripped me apart. 

I may not have managed to fall madly in love but i let affection lead the way. After all J.M Coetzee said "affection may not be love, but it is at least its cousin" so that's that for starters. I let myself relax and actually let my hair down and left my worries, heartache home and enjoyed a day of fun and i was totally surprised by the amount of fun i had! Watched 2 movies back to back, went for long walks and then ice cream at India Gate, throughout i expected it to hurt, i expected to be repulsed, to miss someone but i did not! I reminded myself that at least i did not have to do something drastic to get myself on track but stepping out of the comfort zone surely helped. More than once i fell silent, was lost in thoughts.. Thoughts that left me in a happy void not the ones that left me almost suicidal in the past. Best part was i was not expected to talk, to react in a particular way or feel something that wasn't me! And for once smiling dint hurt, in fact it felt good!

While the existential questions still plague me and the fear of attachment and heartbreak was just a heartbeat away I just let myself enjoy someone's company, I relaxed and was myself. I kept expecting the hurt to come back, kept feeling that I would snap out of the happy phase with one stray thought, kept feeling that I will end up feeling guilty but they did not come. I knew someone somewhere is living the life he had chosen for himself and its time I do too. So it was time i did step away too and i did. I stepped out 'on my own' for the first time. To be honest it was a feeling of homelessness, its as if that feeling of belonging is taken away from me and truly i was alone and in terms of others 'single' The best part of being single is that you do get approached a lot. Now the thing is, if you are in a relationship which you cant acknowledge, then battling the attention is exhausting but not when you know you truly can, because you are not accountable to anyone anymore. 

Also i did something the last weekend that in all of my 26 years i have not done! Host a formal party! If your closest girl pal can make cosmopolitan like a pro do you need a reason to worry! It felt so good to do what regular people do! I sat on the kitchen counter, supervised the mutton that was being made and guzzled down cosmopolitans! With my friends arm around mine, we sat in peace chatting doing our girl thing while the others were lost in their own conversation. The best part was I was not expected to smile or participate in the conversation or be someone that i was wasnt. So I sat there in silence seeing happy faces around me, hurting a lil but knowing it would ebb away eventually. Someday maybe I will be able to look back unflinchingly but for now I shall take baby steps to a future that I deserve and not waste it away.
Came across a lovely line by a friend and can't help sharing, she probably pegs it perfectly what I could never have!

"Sometimes it's tough to choose one, not because of deciding who is better but because of the tug at heart of having to leave the other." - Suruchi

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