Monday, June 30, 2014

Have tried not to come back to this place with the negativity but then realized I dont have anyone to turn to anymore for comfort and the only person who i still need for comfort is the one person i can never turn to.

Life is getting stranger by the day but the only thing that remains constant is the longing for that someone who still defines the great love for me. Most of the time I go with the flow and do things the way it is done, sometimes i have fun but predominately His is that one thought that stays. Its like a cyclical mess, you miss someone dearly, you reminisce the good times, you sink into pits of despair, you remember the hurtful things he has said or done, you remember the gyaan your friends have given, you realize that maybe the distance is good, it will help him get back to his reality, then you remember his reality, feel charred and try moving on and then breakdown only to realize you cant stop for you have a life to lead and then you end up loving that someone despite the pain, despite the reality knowing that he owns a part of your soul like no other!

While I hurt, long and I wish to turn back time until tears blur the vision and breathing becomes difficult. I plunge myself into life, i socialize and amidst the chaos I find it hard to breathe. I question why I cant have him in life with others around, then I know why not, i know it would be painful for him and for me too eventually; so i stop being selfish and not reach out. Maybe he has forgotten me, may be he does not think of me any more. Maybe he has learnt to smile again and then I remember him smile and I know I'd be happy if he was, maybe he is not happy now but someday it will.

I trudge along, live life the way I have always wanted to. I travel, I read, I laugh and then every now and then he is there, in my thoughts, secure in my heart and sometimes away from prying eyes tears stream unabashedly. I know missing Him will be a part of my life. There will always be those conversations we will never have, those smiles we will never smile together, those hugs we will never melt into. Because this is life and shit happens.



Friday, June 13, 2014

“how far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps?
how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?
why do you find the unavailable so alluring?
where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?
if they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?
all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn’t hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?
and what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?
how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?
where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?
where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?” 
― Warsan Shire