Monday, December 01, 2014

Of letters that are written but are never sent

Dear You,

I write to you often, most of these mails remain in the draft section of my mails only to be deleted months later. I talk to you too almost everyday. Though I must admit I have slowly stopped talking to you all the time. Was it a conscious decision? No but it happened as slowly the consciousness accepted that you are gone, maybe for good.

You, it has been a really tough 6 months. I have been close to you, at times frightfully close, being forced to relive our old life. I willed myself to breathe and get past the time. It was crazy you know. There was a time  when I half suspected that God was playing such cruel games with me. But I learned to not wait for your call, not wait for some sick coincidence where I'd bump into you (I reckon that this happens only in movies) but I have started believing that like everyone else you abandoned me and slipped into oblivion like everyone else. No I donot have a grudge against you, I essentially believe it is good for you and eventually for me. Just that somehow its hard to believe that we dont talk or communicate anymore, its a sad feeling because i 'believed' that we would be connected somehow throughout our lives. This has honestly made me a bit cynical and skeptical about people and relationships and i admit i often believe the worst of people, not something I would do at one time. No you are not blamed but me, eventually life took its toll.

You know I have suffered major depression and so much going on I have done drastic things the intensity of things struck me only later. But I am proud I did not let my rash, impulsive actions and decisions leave behind yet another blotch in my life. I chose to take a day at a time and slowly I learned to value, appreciate and accommodate these new changes. It was really tough you know, I kept comparing, slighting, pretending and then breaking down until I genuinely gave life a chance. It drove me to despair but I guess the heart recognizes affection when it sees it coming from a person who genuinely cares about you. No life is not perfect, every day is a compromise until there comes a day when its not a compromise but genuine affection. Life has its rude and ruthless way to make you accept that you can only try and steer your life your way but what has been planned will happen anyway.

I am grateful to be around someone who knows me and its eerie at times. He reads through my expressions and knows exactly what i am feeling, even if these feelings are not directed at him and he pardons me for the same. I guess it takes courage to love someone when you know the same intensity of love is not returned, I have been there so I know and so maybe I value what I get because i am broken, less than complete but i am enough for someone, this keeps me going. I am grateful for  recognition I am finally getting, the dignity of being which I have been denied. No life is less than perfect but for now till I learn to turn over a new leaf, this will do.

I miss you, i do. Truly madly deeply but I know when I am abandoned and I know enough not to look back because if this was as good as I had always believed it to be, it would have been there and not vanished into nothingness. You know, the only thing that has been constant is when I picture your face and I can also see you smile, and image you laugh, that gurgle of laughter that reflects in the twinkle in your eyes; I feel a strange sense of happiness fill my heart. I know no matter where you are, you are trying to be happy and that is enough. I am doing the same too. I falter but I trudge along, just wish you were there to talk to, to feel alive. But I have realized you cant go back to the person as a mere friend whom you have loved with all your being, so I accept that you wont be around rather grudgingly. When I look back I feel grateful to have met you, to live a fulfilling life. My life has changed forever but I am glad I met you, you are the best thing that happened to me, both good and bad! I loved, I learned and I have lived life the best way I could and I donot have regrets.

In the past 6 months, I have learned to live without you, I wish I could unlove you, life would have been simpler. But love heals and maybe eventually i will be a new person, not as I used to be when you were around but enough to live a life I truly desire & deserve. I have come to believe that you cant love, no two people the same way or with the same intensity! Doesnt mean it is not love!

Thank you for truly loving me and teaching me the importance of love, it makes me value the one who has loved me despite my million shortcomings. 

Thank you for the memories.