Thursday, September 17, 2015

Do you?

How do you do it?
Do what you are supposed to do
When your heart or mind is not in it.
Do you do it still?
How did you cope with the unfulfilling feeling
that tears the heart apart?
That constant comparison
Between what was and what is not
What is supposed to be,
What is not what you actually wanted?

Do you also blink away the tears
when memories come haunting?
Do you turn away your face
Lest it betrays your emotions.
Do you also try and replace
The vacant look with a meaningful one
Do you too, wish that ahappy thought
Was there to stay?
Do you also, wish that it stopped
Meaning quite as much?
Do you too, try to make the present
Worth the while, as long as it lasts?
Do you too, long for those times
We have left behind.
Do you too long for those conversations
That left you happy and fulfilled?
Or that one look
That conveyed what words were never needed?

Do you love me still
In some forgotten part of your life
Like I do?
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Do you mourn the void
What was once our world?

I guess not.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Torment

“how far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps?
how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?
why do you find the unavailable so alluring?
where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?
if they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?
all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn’t hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?
and what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?
how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?
where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?
where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?”

- Warsan Shire

 

Time to time this quote comes back to haunt me. The questions that are there in my subconscious makes its presence felt. When I look back to the relationships I have had, the equations I had shared with each person, the takeaway from each of them I am left with a sense of massive loss. Loss because I have loved and lost so much, even when I was the one walking away. I had this sense of disappointment from each of these men who never really valued me while I was still around, never really took me seriously until I decided to walk away. All these men were wonderful, caring and genuinely wonderful human being but all lacked conviction when it came to me. Which brings me to the realization, that if all the men had a common flaw when it came to me must be something I did that made them all react the way they did. What else could prove their lack of conviction?

While one was intimidated by the woman I was slowly becoming, the other did not love me enough to keep me forever and one who had me forever did not want to do anything to keep there or make me his! What am I to make of this? Where did I go wrong? Did I not love enough? Did I trample on their ego making them feel inadequate? Was I never good enough?

Why do I have this nagging feeling that I am not meant for domesticity? Or the fact that I am a perfectionist will turn my loved ones away or that I may just end up with myself and really better by those who have let me down? Why is expecting someone to love you as much as you do so wrong? Isn't it strange that we are not supposed to talk about things that disappoint us, that let us down, that kill us from inside; lest it gives an ill impression of people who make us suffer, people with whom we are bound to. So like this we are destined to suffer.


Guess the only solution to this is to retreat to self, keep problems to myself and trudge along until life runs out..

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Rest in pieces

I've written this post a few times and left them mid way. Each time I wrote somehow a lot of time had gone by and the emotions had changed too.

It has been an year since I lost the most important person in my life, truly and completely. A year of never meeting but those occasional calls. There seems to be a void and dull ache. I have come to terms with my new life without him, with a new addition whom I have learned to value, new changes that I am still getting use to. If I am honest, I know I am not over Him, but I am not hungover either. I have just accepted that there will be days when I will long for those conversations, for that one glimpse in a familiar place but everyday his thought would occur, shadow me in everything I did throughout the day.

As I look back, I can't believe that this can happen, when there are no tangible links between us. We do miss each other (I would love to believe this) but there is no need for each others presence. But not being a part of each others life makes me really sad and intensifies the hurt caused by the realization that everything has a date for expiry and this is one of them! I thought we were special.

A year later I no longer need company, I donot need to be understood, to be validated, to be loved, that I am is a bonus. A year later I am more stoic, I am more collected, I measure my words more, I can put up facades and I have learned 'perfect' is perfectly imperfect and I have learned that there are times in life you have submit and compromise; for you don't get everything that you love. 

A year later I am not His anymore, I am more mine and I am more his who thought I was worthy to be his better half. I wear his ring proudly, I smile seeing his protective hand on my arm, I have learned to tame my demons, to fight the apprehensions, to give in graciously to domesticity. No i am not perfect, there are too many damaged parts, too many lil compromises, too many changes, too much of getting used to in my new life but this is it, for better or for worse!

A year and I have learned to survive and move ahead without any emotional crutches!

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Winter rains and stench of nostalgia

Woke up this morning from two back to back dreams of you. It was a happy morning. There are times I know I shouldnt be thinking of you the way I used to, after all life has moved on for both of us but I look over my shoulder more often than I should, guiltily but I cant stop.

My belief in signs puts me in so much of heartache at times. Like yesterday, in at least 6 occasions your name came in front of me, be it a tweet by your namesake or a random flyer that flew on my face. I smiled, I felt that the universe was conspiring against me. It pushed me to remember two random things and the longing intensified. I remember how I used to hate going to work during my initial days in Delhi and on quite a few mornings a harmless peck would definitely get me late and not once did I have any regrets. Then those evenings I'd return home to see you in the kitchen sweating it out while making dinner. Now that I look back I am filled with so much of love and gratitude. Will there be anyone who will love me quite the way you did? Even I know the answer, maybe that is why you are and will always be my soulmate.

Sometimes I really wish to secure sometime for me and you and talk my heart out and tell you things the way they are with me. But there is just so much history that I dont think we can get past to be there for each other. And if someday we could, I'd tell you that I long for the you I had fallen in love with, I miss my soulmate and more than which I miss our conversations, those hugs that made me feel secure and the life that was ours.

Life has changed, we have moved on but must we give up on the love that fueled our soul?