Thursday, May 28, 2015

Rest in pieces

I've written this post a few times and left them mid way. Each time I wrote somehow a lot of time had gone by and the emotions had changed too.

It has been an year since I lost the most important person in my life, truly and completely. A year of never meeting but those occasional calls. There seems to be a void and dull ache. I have come to terms with my new life without him, with a new addition whom I have learned to value, new changes that I am still getting use to. If I am honest, I know I am not over Him, but I am not hungover either. I have just accepted that there will be days when I will long for those conversations, for that one glimpse in a familiar place but everyday his thought would occur, shadow me in everything I did throughout the day.

As I look back, I can't believe that this can happen, when there are no tangible links between us. We do miss each other (I would love to believe this) but there is no need for each others presence. But not being a part of each others life makes me really sad and intensifies the hurt caused by the realization that everything has a date for expiry and this is one of them! I thought we were special.

A year later I no longer need company, I donot need to be understood, to be validated, to be loved, that I am is a bonus. A year later I am more stoic, I am more collected, I measure my words more, I can put up facades and I have learned 'perfect' is perfectly imperfect and I have learned that there are times in life you have submit and compromise; for you don't get everything that you love. 

A year later I am not His anymore, I am more mine and I am more his who thought I was worthy to be his better half. I wear his ring proudly, I smile seeing his protective hand on my arm, I have learned to tame my demons, to fight the apprehensions, to give in graciously to domesticity. No i am not perfect, there are too many damaged parts, too many lil compromises, too many changes, too much of getting used to in my new life but this is it, for better or for worse!

A year and I have learned to survive and move ahead without any emotional crutches!