“how far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps? how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short? why do you find the unavailable so alluring? where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless? if they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you? all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn’t hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin? and what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it? how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful? where did you learn this, to want what does not want you? where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?”
- Warsan Shire
Time to time this quote comes back to haunt me. The questions that are there in my subconscious makes its presence felt. When I look back to the relationships I have had, the equations I had shared with each person, the takeaway from each of them I am left with a sense of massive loss. Loss because I have loved and lost so much, even when I was the one walking away. I had this sense of disappointment from each of these men who never really valued me while I was still around, never really took me seriously until I decided to walk away. All these men were wonderful, caring and genuinely wonderful human being but all lacked conviction when it came to me. Which brings me to the realization, that if all the men had a common flaw when it came to me must be something I did that made them all react the way they did. What else could prove their lack of conviction?
While one was intimidated by the woman I was slowly becoming, the other did not love me enough to keep me forever and one who had me forever did not want to do anything to keep there or make me his! What am I to make of this? Where did I go wrong? Did I not love enough? Did I trample on their ego making them feel inadequate? Was I never good enough?
Why do I have this nagging feeling that I am not meant for domesticity? Or the fact that I am a perfectionist will turn my loved ones away or that I may just end up with myself and really better by those who have let me down? Why is expecting someone to love you as much as you do so wrong? Isn't it strange that we are not supposed to talk about things that disappoint us, that let us down, that kill us from inside; lest it gives an ill impression of people who make us suffer, people with whom we are bound to. So like this we are destined to suffer.
Guess the only solution to this is to retreat to self, keep problems to myself and trudge along until life runs out..